After last night, I could never be a politician.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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