Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
