I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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