so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
