Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
