ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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