like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
