woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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