Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
