Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
