Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Holy shit dude........stairs
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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