i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
