I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
