In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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