I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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