I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize