Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
