i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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