sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My penis needs a shock collar
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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