Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
