a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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