Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just pynch a tree in the face
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
