So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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