my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
