Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
