we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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