youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
