Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
