Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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