Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
