So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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