if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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