I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
