my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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