the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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