she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
