He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
