a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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