I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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