Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
