just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
