So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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