he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
