Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
