my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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