Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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