I wanna bring you to show and tell
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
