i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
