Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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