Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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