I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
