fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
did i just pee glitter
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
