there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
