I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
