There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
