some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
