If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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