Fuck appropriateness.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
