they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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