I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
