when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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